Not
really anything to admire here. I just lived life and many times felt like I
was surviving not living. The path has been a real mirror to reveal many things
all of which ultimately come back to intimacy. Or a pseudo intimacy I had
created and placed God in. He was living in my sphere of understanding and
comfort of an infinite God. Restricted by the religious knowledge and doctrines
I had spent a lifetime amassing.
Something
deep in me was calling. It had chained me, had I really had a choice my natural
part would not have come. But my spirit man was calling for intimacy an
intimacy my brain thought it already had.
An
intimacy I now know was lost inside religion. It was an intimacy dependent on
actions and others. I was lost and never knew it. I was always marked to never
truly fit in religion or be accepted. This troubled me until this path revealed
the intimacy of an eternal God romancing me. The romance was and remains so
powerful it drew me to intimacy when my arrogant pride thought I already had
it.
The
religious understanding and systems I was part of were in fact creations to
steal intimacy and the people inside them as wonderful as they are had a pseudo
intimacy in many ways. Ultimately we were all living with orphan hearts and
like orphans in an orphanage all came up with programs and actions to get
attention from the father. Ultimately we all self-preserve and can never lay
down our lives unto death.
I
always admired your spirit calling out from within you for intimacy. Sure the
world superimposes what that should look like. But you know more than any it is
a deep “knowing” that causes you to never fit. You are a beautiful and amazing
misfit sealed for life. A flower existing in a perverse system of man but
trapped in not knowing how to truly connect and let go. (I am just writing
whatever comes out so I trust it is life to your spirit). God is drawing you to
your first love and in understanding romance we can only go back to your early
days when Christ revealed himself to you in amazing ways.
I
know nothing of these days in your life but I can type what comes out. Days of
spontaneity where sleep was not a need as you were driven by the inner man
bursting forth in a new found love of a creator. Habits fell away without
effort or thought. Likely your language changed and nobody was even teaching
you such. Like all of us we become like drunk men oblivious to life oblivious
to needs and wants. This new “romance” is life itself and no longer can we be
what we were. This my friend is romance it is not limited to love as love can
be taught or earned. What you and I got with Jesus was never earned it was
unjustified and troubling as to why it landed in our lives.
It
was and still is an eternal Godhead romancing us with His love. Like young ones
with orphan hearts we try to deserve the intimacy and in so doing it seems
almost lost at times. But it isn’t, we go to church to try and create a culture
of attaining more of it. Ahh we missed it as we are the church and the bride of
Christ consists in the worshipers in spirit and truth.
We
now let our head start to teach romance but in reality it can never be taught.
We get flashes of the romance we came to Christ with, but fail to see these
flashes of spirit romance invalidate everything we are. In spirit life we are
undone we are incapacitated and immobilized. We can’t even feed ourselves and
if we can we have left our first love. This is us in America, in the middle or
immense prosperity we lived nothing and still do. But for some crazy romantic
reason Gods love creates whats needed. I can’t help it or change it I can only
enjoy it. This is hard to do as what once was my orphan heart wants to earn it.
Holy Spirit manifestations do not validate us or our actions and the problem
with churchianity is we validate our music, preaching, systems with these
manifestations that are infect there to incapacitate everything we are. But our
humanistic orphan hearts use these manifestations to build ministries and
validate how right our doctrines are.
When
nobody wants to listen to our doctrines we finally be still and in the
stillness our first love ignites. This is me; nobody wanted to hear my voice
here I was a burden a freak a misfit. Orphan hearts can never have intimacy
with orphan hearts. They will only use each other in the most polite of ways in
mutual agreement to attain. God stripped anyone from around me who cared. I
tried to stay in the systems but they vomited me out. God reached into the
vomit and found me. He seemed to wipe the vomit away and never minded the
smell. He just encompassed me with a love I had never experienced. It troubled
me and still does. As in the vomit of man’s efforts to please. He found and saw
a gem, a jewel a thing of beauty. It was me!! And my friend it is you. Be
different the romance is alive in you I can see it in the simple words you
typed. The transparency you had in your email is a spirit buried in vomit that
God is reaching his hand into to love.
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