Wednesday, August 1, 2018

The powerless reason

To understand there is no understanding is a gift from the almighty. Some would say what will happen is already decided and it is our place to understand why. I have to say this is perhaps the greatest limitation man places on himself. To look for reason firmly places us in the control of ourselves and in reality any who have lived beyond their own ability and who have a thirst for more will be the first ones to tell you the most uplifting most exhilarating times come from what happens that we have no part other than to enjoy, be inspired, or relax in when its not possible to relax.
Now being who we all are we experience something wonderful and the immediate temptation is to control the moment to attempt to replicate what we enjoyed and in so doing we fail and fail miserably.

But to just allow life to take us where it will is not easy either as to do so there must be a surrendering to forces beyond who we are. Forces that constantly seem to call and draw us into the unknown. These forces seem to set us on a path of continual striving. But in reality we know we are our own worst enemy. In our desire to understand replicate we have convinced ourselves it is OK to work hard. Its just not possible for a person in and of themselves to just let go and let life carry them.

Realistically if there is no creator then letting go descends a person into the abyss of darkness a mortal tomb of the mind that snapped and set its own course. In unity with darkness it fell from the light and what hope could there ever be of freedom.

But I saw a line and the darkness of the space beyond the line drew and clawed at my mind and drew me in. I cant say why the line I never crossed all I can say is in and of myself the ability to influence the outcome was gone. Strength no longer existed and strength of mind had got me to this point.

I could see the illusion of what we call life. An illusion where we have created and placed ourselves as firmly as possible into a created reality. With a created community of people who decide daily if they want to be part of ourlives and us theirs. This community has expectations many of which I was happy to oblige. But here I was staring at the line.

If I crossed this line I feared the beyond. Like a free fall from a cliff I saw how futile life had been. We all fall unto the grave but as we fall the journey is masked by expectations of life and the artificial reality of the mind. If that mind should snap, the illusion is revealed and there is no way back. But something kept me from the line and as I fell I saw the ground and the ground my mind told me was where I would be.
But for some unknown reason by some unforeseen love I never hit. The feeling of the free fall, the terror of the experience. I saw our mind protects us from ever seeing. In small flashes we all experience the fall and strive togain control of our mind so as not to be faced with the inevitable.

At some point in this fall all we have ever known fails us and the people we love cannot help. It is our prison to escape only there is no escape from reason. I have heard it said what will happen is already decided and it is our lot in life to understand why. But I am here to say it is the why that limits. To let go of why as we fall can be a gift that sets us free. To let go of the why without a linking, a surrender, a revealing of the spirit of life then we will indeed snap and never return.

It was in seeing the line I knew the people who had been swallowed by the other side. People who life had thrown a curve ball outside their ability to understand or control. People who somebody loves and they cant allow themselves to be loved. Love is indeed something that cannot be controlled and in a free fall the one thing we don't have is control. Yet perhaps can we see the love.

How do we see the love when everything we see as love has failed us? People, friends, family, money, society, everything ripped from us darkness claws at our mind.

But for me I knew something beyond my control stopped me from crossing the line. That something had a beauty to it but in the terror and horror of the moment I could not pause to understand where this came from. I did attempt to grab it, to bring control to my world but every time I grasped with my religious knowledge or my ability it was a vapor that slipped past me.

Something had saved me and to that something I now tried to attach reason and understanding. But how can something so obviously beyond my mind now be limited to me? Now faced with an encounter I knew there was no reason. I saw myself and everything I had been and understood it was worthless and this something had saved me from myself with a full knowing I had not the slightest right to what had happened. The darkness beyond the line by all rights should have swallowed me up. If I was who I thought I was I would never have even been near such a line. Everything had failed me, every word, everything I had ever learned.

Faced with a perpetual line I couldn't pick myself up. All strength was gone and there was no ability to draw on strength. Yet from this force that saved me, this force I surrendered to I found a peace. Oddly my situation naturally was likely worse and yet peace was just me. Not a peace I knew came from me but this peace had merged with me as I had surrendered at the line. It was the jaws of hell beyond the line and love had found a way. But for me in who I had been it was only the line that could show how being in control I actually had none.
I saw love had been something I liked the idea of. My mind was in love with what my understanding had limited love to being. I had learned love via life experiences and now I knew realistically I had no idea what love was. This love that saved me from myself was so immense it was beyond my mind ability to understand in the slightest and to be honest my mind was tired from the whole traumatic ride it had just been exposed to.

So in all honest I can no longer say who I am. I just don't know, it's like the world is a new place and I am viewing it via a new set of eyes. Its as if I am being told discover what life is now. The pull of life itself brings more life in me. Some ask for doctrines and I can only smile and reply I have none. Everything I had known and had been taught failed me when I needed it the most. Everything I had been took me to the line and now at 49 years old I was starting again only this time I was married to an eternal force of pure and raw life.

This force of love had no interest in right or wrong as in perfect love how can there ever be right or wrong. I had done everything my mind thought was right and ended up on the edge of darkness. I knew in perfect love there can be no wrong. But mankind needs his right and wrong to maintain his control. Beyond the subjective ideals of right and wrong I found perfect love and as insecure as it makes me feel. I have discovered no matter what I do now it remains constant and creates life in through and around me.

So religion has become to me what tried to hide the line. We take the pain of others and try to be nice when in reality the pain reveals the line. In man-kinds love we don't want anyone to go through this journey and do all we can to ease the pain. This to me is religion it feeds the mind, it feeds my control and in so doing hides the line. When I saw the line I had people call and offer religious advice. They loved in the way they knew but words did nothing for me. I just wanted someone to be with me. I discovered when love is based in words there is no love. Love is just existing together with a savior who all I can say is the holy one saved me from myself.

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